


The Asshole

by snowflakeimagines



Series: Meet Ugly Specials [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Swapfell (Undertale), Angry Sans (Undertale), Blind Date, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Frenemies, Multi, Reader's gender is not specified, Swapfell Sans (Undertale), Tsundere Sans (Undertale), meet ugly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28091001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowflakeimagines/pseuds/snowflakeimagines
Summary: Your friend sets you up on a blind date with her friend’s brother. It doesn’t go well. Now you have to deal with an asshole sending you snarky “dating tips” on the daily.
Relationships: Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Series: Meet Ugly Specials [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2057940
Comments: 6
Kudos: 56





	The Asshole

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymous asked: "01. we were set up on a blind date but it went horribly, so now you message me every time you have a good date because you think your tips will help me in the future, you ass" with Swapfell Sans? Who knows, maybe at the end Reader could challenge him again to prove that the bad date was a fluke and that he DOESNT have to constantly send advice?
> 
> I took some liberty with this and turned “every time you have a good date” to “every time you feel like annoying me”, which ofc lead to me getting carried away with this prompt. Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it, anon!

Your friend had set you up on a blind date with her friend’s brother. You were supposed to be having dinner with him tonight at a fancy restaurant, but either your friend was pulling a cruel prank on you, or your date was running late. Regardless of which it was, sitting alone at a table set for two and ignoring the glances you were getting was becoming increasingly hard.

Around eight minutes past the time that’d been agreed on, your date finally showed up. The skeleton wore a black trench coat and a dark purple scarf. With his sharp teeth and the scar over his right eye-socket, he would’ve been a textbook example of tall, dark, and handsome, if he was tall. He seemed to be irritated about something. You waved him over. “Hey! Sans, right?” The skeleton nodded as he slid into the seat opposite you. “I’m—”

“I KNOW,” he sighed. “MY BROTHER ALREADY TOLD ME ABOUT YOU.” He rubbed a hand over his scar. “I’M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE. I’VE HAD A LONG DAY, AND I REALLY WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO MY WORK. I’M SURE YOU’D LIKE TO DO THE SAME.”

“Oh.” You tried not to look too disappointed. “Uh—”

Sans cut you off again. “I’LL PAY FOR OUR MEALS. WHEN WE’RE DONE EATING, WE CAN BOTH GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND THAT THE DATE WENT WELL. YOU’LL HAVE MY NUMBER TO PROVE IT.”

“I will?”

“YES. I’M CERTAIN PAPYRUS WILL BE SATISFIED IF I LEAVE THIS PLACE WITH YOUR NUMBER. YOUR FRIEND SHOULD BE TOO. HERE, GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.” You unlocked your phone and passed it to him, a little stunned. He passed it back after a few taps on your screen. “SEND ME A TEXT SO I CAN ADD YOU TO MY CONTACTS.”

You couldn’t help but frown a bit at his attitude. Nonetheless, you decided to send him a corny pick-up line.

 **You:** I don’t think you quite under-sans how handsome you look. 

Sans’ expression soured even further when he saw your message. “PLEASE DON’T TRY TO FLIRT WITH ME RIGHT NOW,” he growled. “I’M REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD.”

Alright, bad decision. Maybe you could defuse the situation with humor? “Sorry. Just _ribbin’_ ya.”

“OH MY F— NO! NO PUNS EITHER!”

“Okay, geez! No puns!” You felt like you were playing a dating sim and picking all the wrong options. As far as you knew, this playthrough was headed for disaster; unfortunately, you had no choice but to see it through. “What if… we just chat?”

Sans stared at you for a long while. “FINE,” he said at last. He sounded tired.

“Cool. So, um… How about you tell me about what you’ve had to put up with today? I’m sure you wanna rant about it to someone.”

“I DON’T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT WORK.”

“Oh.” You wracked your brain for ideas that could possibly save this date. “Then… We could just… get to know each other! I mean, that’s what dates are for in the first place, aren’t they? We might still be able to turn your day around!” You gave him a bright smile.

Sans rewarded your efforts with what was possibly the most unimpressed look you’d ever seen on anyone’s face. “DO ME A FAVOR AND ORDER SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T TAKE LONG TO COOK,” he said dryly. 

Aaaand you were frowning again. So that was how he felt about you, huh?

When the waiter came, you looked Sans dead in the eye as you ordered a sous vide steak. He sighed and asked the waiter for a bottle of wine with his salad.

The rest of the date wasn’t any smoother. Every time you tried to make conversation, Sans would shut it down with a scowl and a curt response. You gave up on talking to him entirely when your food arrived, and as soon as Sans finished paying the bill, you were up and out of the restaurant. He joined you soon after. “SO,” he said, letting the door swing shut behind him, “THAT WAS A WASTE OF TIME.” He glared at you. “AND IT CERTAINLY WASN’T A PLEASANT WASTE OF TIME.”

You crossed your arms. “It could’ve been, if you weren’t such a dick.”

“DID YOU SEE HOW WELL THINGS WENT WHEN YOU FINALLY SHUT YOUR MOUTH? THIS DATE WOULD’VE GONE FAR BETTER IF YOU’D JUST DID THAT FROM THE BEGINNING.”

“If zero communication is your idea of a first date, it’s no fucking wonder you’re single.”

Sans closed his eyes and pinched his nasal ridge. “I’M NEVER LISTENING TO MY BROTHER’S IDEAS EVER AGAIN…” He shot you one last glare before storming off. 

“Asshole,” you muttered, flipping him off. You went to text your friend for a ride home, only to realize that Sans had named himself “THE MALEVOLENT SANS” on your phone. You renamed him his contact to “The Asshole”. That title was leagues more fitting. 

* * *

Your first message from The Asshole came a couple days after the date. He’d sent you a picture of a flower shop and was in the middle of typing something. Before you could decide whether you were even interested in what he had to say or not, his message popped up.

 **The Asshole:** Are you familiar with the language of flowers?

You slowly typed out your response.

 **You:** What’s it to you?

 **The Asshole:** Maybe you’ll fare better on a future date if you have something that delivers romantic messages for you. That way (and I mean this in the best way possible), you won’t make a fool of yourself trying to talk to your date like you did with me.

How were you supposed to take that in any way that was remotely nice? A few Google searches later, you were ready to destroy this prick. 

**You:** Well, if I were to get you a bouquet, I’d give you a pretty little bundle of orange lilies, meadowsweet, and narcissus :)

His reply came a couple minutes later.

 **The Asshole:** Wow. I couldn’t imagine a better way to say thanks to someone who’s giving you good advice. 

**The Asshole:** If I were to get you a bouquet, I’d give you a beautiful bundle of geraniums, tansies, and yellow carnations. 

You didn’t have to search up those flowers to guess the meanings behind them, but you did it regardless. A competitive thrill ran through you when you saw your answers.

Oh, it was _so_ on.

* * *

The next message came when you were hanging out with the friend who’d set you up with Sans. Three notifications popped up one by one on your screen, telling you that you’d received a picture and two text messages from The Asshole. You opened it. The picture was of a… dating manual?

 **The Asshole:** Would you like me to borrow this dating rulebook for you, my dear? I’m sure you’re in dire need of it.

 **The Asshole:** See, that is called ‘a thoughtful gift’. Consider bringing one of those to the next date you go on, should you ever go on any again.

You rolled your eyes and fired back with an equally sarcastic reply.

 **You:** Thanks, but I think you need it more than I do. Would you like me to ask for a ladder, my dear? I’d be devastated if you got hurt trying to reach that shelf.

You snickered and put your phone back in your pocket. Your friend noticed. “Was that Sans?” she asked.

“Mhm!”

She smirked at you. “I assume the date went well, then?”

“Nah,” you said, still smiling. “It went horribly.”

* * *

**The Asshole:** Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘dress to impress’?

 **The Asshole:** Perhaps you should invest in revamping your closet. Trust me, dating is much easier when you don’t want to puke every time you look at your date.

 **You:** Does your asshole mode have an off switch?

 **The Asshole:** Do your social skills have an on switch?

 **You:** What can I say? You’re exceptionally good at turning me off.

* * *

Receiving snarky texts from Sans was actually pretty amusing. You’d even begun sending him some “tips” in return. 

**You:** You’re not exactly qualified to be giving dating tips when the most basic rule of dating is to be nice to your date.

 **The Asshole:** Another basic rule of dating is to be yourself, but look where that got you. 

**You:** I could say the same to you. I get why your brother set you up on a blind date. You need to get laid, stat.

 **The Asshole:** I hope that’s not an offer.

 **You:** You wish it was.

 **The Asshole:** I really don’t.

* * *

**You:** Did you know that smiling makes you look more attractive? You should try it sometime. Maybe you’d be dating someone right now if you didn’t look so grumpy all the time.

 **The Asshole:** For your information, I went on a date with someone just the other day. Not much chemistry, but it was still quite enjoyable, unlike my date with you.

 **You:** Right. I bet your date renamed your contact to The Asshole too.

 **The Asshole:** “Too”?

* * *

**The Turbo Asshole:** Change it. 

**You:** Nope.

 **The Turbo Asshole:** You. Are. SO. IMMATURE.

 **You:** Whatever you say, The Ultimate Turbo Asshole.

 **The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** I’m fucking blocking you.

* * *

**The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** Found something and thought of you. 

**The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** [https://www.dummies.com/relation ships/dating/dating-for-dummies-cheat-sheet/](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.dummies.com%2Frelationships%2Fdating%2Fdating-for-dummies-cheat-sheet%2F&t=ZDE4YmU2YjRiMTRjMjJmZWYyNzRlN2IwNWY0YWZmNzg3NDcyNjAzOCxVcGRSRmN6bQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AyAL8Yb5223kUylcIwvrlkA&p=https%3A%2F%2Fsnowflakeimagines.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F622756939060920320%2Fmeet-ugly-2-the-asshole&m=1&ts=1608045205)

 **You:** I thought you said you were blocking me?

 **The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** Shut up. I’m doing the world a service by trying to help you.

 **You:** Aww! So you _do_ care about me!! 💕

 **The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** I do NOT.

* * *

**The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** If you ever decide to go for a kiss, be sure to brush your teeth or at least eat a mint beforehand. Your mouth must be rancid with the sheer amount of shit that comes out of it.

 **You:** Boo, overused roast.

 **You:** And you’re one to talk. You don’t even have lips to kiss with.

 **The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** I can kiss just fine without lips. Unfortunately for you, you’ll never be able to find that out for yourself.

 **You:** Is that a challenge?

 **The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** It’s stupid of you to think of something impossible as a mere challenge, human.

 **You:** You know what? I think you’re just scared of me stepping up and proving you wrong.

 **The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** We’re talking about a hopeless case here. I’m not scared.

 **You:** Then step up and prove _me_ wrong.

 **The Ultimate Turbo Asshole:** What exactly are you proposing?

Your response was immediate.

 **You:** A second date.

Your message was marked as seen. One minute passed. Two minutes passed. Three minutes passed. Right before you were about to send another message taunting his silence, you got a call from The Ultimate Turbo Asshole. You answered on the first ring. 

“YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I DON’T GIVE THIRD CHANCES,” he grumbled.

A smile far too giddy for your own good spread across your face.

“QC’s Diner, this Saturday, 12 PM.”

“YOU’RE ON.”

**Author's Note:**

> god this was so fun to write fkldjsgksf
> 
> (Find me and my other works on [Tumblr!](https://snowflakeimagines.tumblr.com))


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